Why Every Ex is Suddenly a Narcissist

Let’s be honest: labeling your ex a narcissist has become as original as calling everyone whose political views upset you a fascist. Scroll through TikTok, Reddit, or Instagram for approximately five minutes after any breakup, and you'll quickly discover that everyone, apparently, has been dating the exact same narcissistic person. It's almost impressive how one individual seems to be single-handedly tormenting half the planet's dating pool. Yet, the reality is far less sinister and far more mundane: we've collectively watered down the meaning of a genuine mental health condition.

To be clear, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a real psychological diagnosis characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance, a tendency to gaslight and exploit others for personal gain, and a startling lack of empathy. It’s serious, relatively uncommon, and — as any actual psychologist will remind you — not something casually diagnosed via an Instagram reel.

However, pop culture loves convenience. "The Narcissist Ex" trope simplifies the messy, complicated, deeply nuanced disaster that is dating into tidy, bite-sized content. "10 Signs Your Ex is a Narcissist," announces a cheerful influencer in a carefully curated Instagram Reel, providing emotionally vulnerable viewers with handy checklists. Much like astrology predictions that are so vague they seem tailor-made for half the population, these narcissist checklists describe just about everyone who's ever been selfish or emotionally unavailable.

Calling all of your exes narcissists has essentially become the female equivalent of straight men labeling all of their exes as ‘crazy’. Here’s a hard pill to swallow: if every single one of your exes is ‘crazy’ or ‘narcissistic’, it probably reflects more on you than on them. Either you're exclusively attracting profoundly difficult people, or perhaps you’re the common denominator driving them to such extremes. Either way, a long, hard look in the mirror might be overdue.

This phenomenon does two genuinely troubling things. First, it trivialises a significant psychological issue. When everyone who hurts our feelings or bruises our egos automatically earns the NPD badge, genuine narcissistic abuse becomes lost in the noise. Actual victims struggle for recognition amid a flood of clickbait titles and self-appointed narcissism experts hawking recovery programs for a ridiculous monthly subscription fee.

Second, it conveniently erases accountability. Relationships fail for myriad reasons — poor communication, incompatibility, and simple immaturity — and labeling your ex as a narcissist neatly exempts you from any reflection or responsibility. After all, who needs introspection when you can just blame pathological self-obsession?

Consider therapy speak’s current favourite buzzwords: gaslighting, love-bombing, and trauma bonding. These terms, borrowed from serious psychological literature, now circulate with shocking casualness. The obsession with diagnosing exes as narcissists sidesteps the uncomfortable truth that dating — and human interactions in general — can simply be messy and flawed. Not every unpleasant interaction or disappointing romance can be neatly packaged into a clinical diagnosis.

The obsession with diagnosing ex-partners as narcissists isn't just lazy psychology but intellectual dishonesty. Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. Humans can be thoughtless, selfish, and even manipulative without having a diagnosable disorder. It might be uncomfortable, even embarrassing, to admit that sometimes we simply choose poorly or act badly. So, let’s retire the tired narcissist trope — not just because it’s overused but because it's harmful, inaccurate, and, frankly, boringly predictable. Perhaps next breakup season, instead of labeling someone as pathologically flawed, we can indulge in some good old-fashioned reflection. Or at the very least, pick a more creative insult.

Illustration by Amelia Freeden