Love in the Bubble — Issue 289

“I like you, but can’t date you.” Had I a grain of sand for every time I heard that, I’d put Castle Sands to shame — where I go to think about the boy who ends up saying those words to me. It’s also where I eventually go to collect sea glass with him. Only this time, he’s not the inspiration behind my curated playlists, nor the leading star in all of my fantasies — he’s just my friend. 

I often find myself faced with this rejection — one that doesn’t even really feel like a rejection. Perhaps “I’m not interested [full stop]” would’ve been kinder; the additive, “I still want to be friends,” is temptation enough for me to brave that emotionally tumultuous terrain. Because, regardless, I felt something for him once — whether because he was handsome, or liked my Letterboxd reviews, or told me that I “made journalism cool” (true story). Crushes require energy, and energy cannot be created or destroyed. I think the same is true when it comes to love: it simply changes form.  

I’m now friends with my first-year crush, though it was only upon our running into each other at a party after not speaking for a year that this was realised — a decision made prior to his hand slipping up my shirt and my back hitting the garden wall. The guy I liked last semester holds seats for me in the library now. During study breaks, we laugh at how I once tearfully confessed my feelings and how he kissed me in spite of himself. I’m aware that these experiences are unconventional and even devastating — but what is love if not that? To feel it at all, even if painfully, reminds us that we are a part of something so much bigger than ourselves. 

Sometimes when I’m at Castle Sands, I imagine a stranger on the other side of the world staring out from their own spot by the sea. Maybe they’re reflecting on what could have been. Maybe, by a stroke of fate, we’ll cross paths someday. Maybe they’re the reason why none of my past romantic pursuits have worked out. Maybe it’s them I’m meant to be with. Or maybe not. I’m sure we’ll be friends either way.